You know, I love gay men for two reasons.
Firstly, they leave all the girls for us.
And secondly, they take away some men with them too.
Monty is gay!
I knew it!
That is why when we were kids, he'd wear my heels to parties.
Meet Chandni Chopra from Chandni Chowk.
She's here wearing a 'wannabe' outfit
in search of her Prince Charming.
As a capitalist, I admire her focus.
Oh my God!
Poli aunty!
Listen. If Poli aunty
wears a colourful sari, what will she be called?
Holi aunty!
If Poli aunty gets involved with multiple men,
what will she be called?
Polygamy!
Hush!
Grandma is looking so gorgeous, as always.
Today, Gayatri will give an amazing speech again.
Nothing?
I actually respect that.
Akku.
Doesn't one of dad's eyebrows look weird?
Yes, the left one has moved up high to the first floor.
- Yes. - Listen.
Do you have an eyeliner?
My son, accept my Facebook friend request now, at least.
'Young man, accept his Facebook friend request now, at least.'
A bad dream?
No!
I got scared that you left me.
Do you even know my name?
Angels don't have names, baby.
Goodnight.
Listen. Be careful while leaving.
My sister and niece are staying over.
I have an 18-year old daughter.
I'm almost 40, Paula.
Look! I've started talking to the screen now.
'Before your first date, remember the Paula pump-up!'
'Take off your clothes. Come on.'
Paula, I don't look at myself even while showering.
Okay. Come on.
You can do this.
'Before your first sexual encounter, '
'tell yourself, 'Hey, sexy!'
Okay.
Hey!
I can't do all this, Paula.
Okay. I'm going to get ready.
I don't want to be late for college again.
Should I say 'hi' to your mom?
Because for four months, I've been avoiding it.
But I don't want things to be awkward.
This is my bath time slot, dude.
You do what you want.
Even today, there was no water in the shower!
Just don't ask how I got ready.
I have a very important meeting at the office today.
You mean, even the slotting system for showering has failed! - No.
Bathing slots!
This is a magic trick to top mock tests, bro!
Really? How?
Oh, he's so cute!
Not.
Many weird things happen here, but magic ain't one of them.
There's water shortage. So, we're trying to put a system in place.
And nobody thought of waking up early and storing it.
I have stored it for my cooking.
Did you people not store it?
Selvi has politely told you to f♪♪k off.
Okay, I'm done bathing.
Bye, guys!
Hey, Kay! Have your breakfast.
I'm done having breakfast.
I can't be an irresponsible co-founder and turn up without bathing.
So, work from home it is!
How convenient!
Okay. I'm late. I've got to go.
Bye! Come home soon.
Eat well.
Reply to my forwards with a 'LOL'.
You know
that I don't appreciate you and Kay staying at my place.
Like you have a choice!
- Bye! - Bye!
- One cake for three people? - Thank God, we got one!
I've baked this special pineapple cake.
I'm allergic to pineapple.
Seriously.
Whenever I had pineapple cake through my childhood,
I'd get itchy rashes.
Hello!
- Hello. - Hello, sir.
The moment you mentioned itchy, he turned up. - Yes.
As you know, Satvik literally means
a nice guy.
So, I'll do something nice.
- Thank you, sir. - Thank you.
- Shall we? - Yes, please.
My in-laws say that I should be a stand-up comedian.
Did you see? The joke was lame,
but Febin, DD, and Sharmila laughed loudly.
Appraisal season!
Please!
Thank you, sir.
By the way, tell me something.
What is a cop's favourite dessert?
Cops...
Anyone?
A lame joke coming.
Sir, why don't you tell us?
Okay. So, a cop's favourite dessert is 'copcakes'.
'Copcakes!'
- This is a new low even for him. - I swear, man!
Let's cut the pineapple cake made by our own, Sanghi!
And in the spirit of Proficient Family,
new employees will get the cake first.
Vasu.
Let's cut this pineapple cake.
"Happy birthday to you!"
"Happy birthday, dear Febin!"
Didn't you eat my cake?
It's very tasty.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
After my leg amputation...
baking is all that I have in life.
How are things with your dad, Kay?
I miss him.
Cheating like that is such a big no.
I don't judge him because he never judged me.
- So, let's be fair. - Yes.
Parents are so weird!
I mean, just look at my dad.
He isn't divorcing my mom.
I know he has his own reasons, but still...
Honestly, looking at our parents, I don't think
there's any hope for us in the future.
They are just so involved in their own things.
They forget that they have children.
Alright, guys! Remember that after you're done with a hundred stretches,
this is key!
He's so yummy!
Oh!
Hi, Aks! Looks like it's Uncle's Day today.
Oh, you poor thing!
Your uncle isn't as cool as Kay's, is he?
Yes. You're so cool!
- In a lame way! - In a lame way!
Whatever!
- Love you too, girls. Bye! - Bye!
I'll drive.
Alright. Just don't kill us. And don't tell your mom.
Will he take a year to move?
Hello! Your uncle was also once fat.
Don't you remember my 'chubby' phase?
Yes, I know I should be a better person.
Yo! Keyur!
Hey, bro! I had mailed you Kechup's monthly stats.
You said you'd get back to us by 4 pm with your inputs.
- Yo! Yes... - Pankaj was asking.
Yes, I'll send them right away.
I was taking a nap as I had a fever.
Oh! You take care.
Yes. You too, bro!
It's too much, right?
No, babe. Too hot!
Please. Just relax.
Let your hormones buzz with Hemant,
then jump straight into bed.
Listen. It's my first date in 20 years.
If the date goes well, you'll have some amazing sex!
Sex!
No! It's just a date tonight.
I just hope it goes well. That's more than enough.
When my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time,
we tried three positions.
Doggy-style rescued us.
So, lubrication and patience...
Bye, fatty!
"I beg to dream and differ."
"from the hollow lies."
"This is the dawning of the rest of our lives"
"on holiday..."
Let's make out.
But your uncle is in the house, right?
So?
This is not comfortable for me.
I mean, he was watching us from his bedroom window last night.
Creepy!
He must be thinking about something.
He zones out sometimes.
Isn't it weird?
I mean, you, your mother,
and your uncle living in the same house?
Mom and uncle are besties.
Uncle is feeling a little low in life.
Looks good. Where is Kay?
She's in her room with Aryan.
Does that guy stay here all day?
Do you also think she can do better?
Oh! But he plays the guitar.
Dude! Who doesn't play the guitar?
Kay, we're going out.
Selvi has made dinner. Have it.
Okay!
And if you need anything, call me.
- Bye, Aryan! - Yes! Bye!
Bye, Kay.
"I..."
"I... I beg to dream and differ."
My date is over there.
I think mine said he'd meet me in the lounge.
Okay. Good luck.
Hi, Vyajanthi.
- Hi! - Akhil!
Hi!
- Vasudha. - Yes. Hemant?
Yes.
You're very hot.
Please.
Thanks.
- Nice place. - Have you been here before?
- My first time here. Yours? - Same.
Alright.
Do you have any vegan options?
- I'll have a meat burger. - Okay.
And water...
- Sure. - Thank you.
Nothing else to drink?
No, I'm a totalitarian.
Tot...
You mean teetotaller!
Yes. That's what I just said, right?
I've been a vegan for two years.
And I think, given the state of the world,
veganism is even more important now.
Why? What has happened to the world?
Didn't you watch Joaquin Phoenix's speech at the Oscars?
We are killing animals.
The baby was birthed by its mother...
Nobody asks her before hurting her calves.
Nobody thinks about the poor mother.
What the...
Poor animal?
These days, many women get Botoxed.
But I love natural beauty.
Anyway, forget all that.
Do you like beer?
Well... Wine.
I've grown up drinking beer.
My dad used to start his day with a beer.
He'd give me a glassful too.
Kids drinking beer...
Isn't that a bit off?
Come on! Don't be so typical.
So... You said that you don't like kids.
No! I said I didn't want to have kids.
Kids are cool.
I mean, who doesn't like other people's kids?
Actually, I have a young girl staying at my house.
What?
My niece. And my sister too.
Don't worry.
I haven't tied up any underage girl in the basement.
We were married for 19 years.
We have a daughter.
And...
Four and a half months ago,
when I came home early after getting a pedicure...
I saw that he had eaten all my strawberries,
he had turned our living room into a mess.
My husband.
Your wine, sir.
And yes... He was f♪♪king a younger woman.
How young?
Very.
Lovely.
- By the way, I was married too. - Oh!
My wife was very special.
Yeah?
Beautiful, intelligent and generous.
That is why she worked for an NGO.
Then what followed was expected.
- Work-life balance issues. - No!
She was working in a village.
She stepped out one evening for a stroll.
She was under a bridge
when a buffalo fell on her and she died.
- Who? - My wife.
And the buffalo too.
I co-founded this thing. We first began work in our 1 BHK.
And now, it's a pretty big startup.
Oh, nice! What is it like? What's the name?
Kechup.
So, it's the same app on which we matched!
- So, you use your own app! - Yes.
I created the algos.
So, it seems Kechup's algo matches you with hot girls.
You know what, Vyajanthi?
You are a lot smarter than you look.
Excuse me. I'll be right back.
I'll just use the restroom.
His dog's name is dicky.
And he speaks very formally.
He thinks he's a corporate poet.
But on Kechup, his match rate is good.
How is your date?
Master fitness instructor.
Dance movement therapist.
- Wanderlust. - Wow!
A vegan! I f♪♪king hate her.
- Should we leave? - No.
Vyji and I will go home. Sex will be s♪♪t.
After that, she won't respond to my text.
Then she'll feel guilty.
She'll feel like she should've put in a little more effort.
You should also try it out.
I won't have sex with that bottle of Oldspice.
Actually, we...
He's my brother, Akhil.
Yo, bro!
Brother!
Does he work here?
No. I've come on a date.
Actually, we live together in Jayanagar.
After her separation.
So, you both go on dates together.
And then walk away and bitch about your dates.
No.
Oh! Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt.
Is he your date?
They are siblings. They were bitching about us.
One second. Did you match on Kechup?
I'm sure he rigged the algorithm.
Most likely, you two have very low compatibility.
Kechup is his company.
Such lies!
You're sick!
It's terrible! I didn't know such people existed!
Dude.
Online dating is just one big lie.
Upload your best pics online
and to make yourself sound more interesting,
make up fake 'cool' statements.
Listen. I checked your profiles.
And the amount of lies in them is insane!
So, just relax on the judging, bro.
- Beer? - Right now, I'll have anything.
See! You lied about being a teetotaller too.
F♪♪k you!
Grow up!
Chinese?
Right now, I'll take anything.
- Come on. - Let's go.
Sis, do you think because of Gayatri and dad,
we don't stand a chance at a normal relationship in this lifetime?
Gayatri and dad gave us such a traumatic experience!
I mean, our parents' presence and absence...
Both screwed us equally.
Mom's boardroom and dad's' spiritual sermons...
And now, thankfully, they are out of reach.
At sea. On a cruise!
You know what?
Sometimes, I think
families, love, and relationships are rubbish.
I mean, my codes are clearer.
You get exactly what you put in.
And at least, you can reprogram these codes.
How the f♪♪k do you reprogram childhood scars?
I don't know, Akku.
I want to tell you that love really exists.
But this first date proved to be a disaster.
You know, for the last four and a half months, I have been thinking
of dating online to prove to Dhruv
that I can also do all this.
Oh, sis!
Should I set up another date for you tomorrow?
No. Please. I can't do all this.
I don't even know what I want. Dhruv or a divorce.
I just want to stop this not knowing, Akku.
Never say never.
Is yours spicier?
- So good, right? - That's good.
Shanaya!
Fake boobs.
Needy! Aww! Loves smoothies and shawarma.
Hello, soul mate!
Hey Vasu, have you stored any water?
Dhruv! Just a minute.
Hey! Sorry to keep you waiting.
Before the tax filing, ma'am wants
to remove her name from the joint account.
You sent me those 10 text messages
saying that you wanted your finances to be kept separate from his.
Let's discuss that today.
Insurance premiums, card-linked mobile bills...
She wants that money to be debited from her account.
What is the need to do this?
I seriously don't understand. Why?
Why would you understand?
Had that been the case, we wouldn't have been here today.
Anyway... Through this tax filing, I want everything to be separated.
Okay. Ma'am, here's your account balance.
Okay. So, what I want is...
I want the joint account to be closed.
And the expenses of mine which get debited from his account
should be transferred to my account ASAP.
Vasu, all that is fine.
But our monthly joint expenses,
including Kay's pocket money, your cab and food bills...
It's on my tab. I'm taking care of them.
Here you go.
I deleted all the apps.
So, you don't have to bother about that anymore.
I don't need this provider status of yours. Okay, Dhruv?
I'm working now.
So, please get our accounts delinked.
Why are you being stubborn?
We're trying to work things out.
If things normalise tomorrow,
we'll have to link all the accounts again.
Why are you being so difficult?
Oh, really?
I'm sorry. I'm being difficult!
And what you did with your assistant in our bed...
That was easy, right?
Excuse me. I'll just form...
I have to courier some forms.
I've apologised many times for that.
I've begged and pleaded. What more do you expect?
What should I do?
You rarely meet me.
And when I got to see you, it was in the CA's office! Come on!
Where do you want to meet me?
In the same bed you cheated on me!
You've made our lives a cliché!
Is this not a cliché, Vasu?
Had you not made excuses every time I tried to have sex,
I wouldn't have turned to an outsider.
Wow! So, even this is my fault.
You know what, Dhruv? You aren't the only one who missed sex.
But you're the one who refused every time.
You won't admit that you're frigid.
You don't have to have sex with me.
You don't want to work on fixing your frigidity.
You know, that's why you're still single. Yes!
You know what? F♪♪k you, Dhruv!
Actually, no. I'll f♪♪k anyone but you.
Vasu, I'm sorry. Vasu!
I'm sorry!
I made a mistake.
I'm speechless.
Wait, Auto.
Akku, which bar do you go to every Saturday?
Okay. Bye.
I want to go to Koramangala.
Hi.
Rinzing.
Vasu... Vasu.
Nice to meet you.
Okay. So, the thing is...
Sorry?
One minute.
- Yes! Excuse me. - Yes?
- Bill, please. Hers too. - Sure.
- No. I'll pay my bill. - Okay, ma'am.
It's okay.
Oh! I'm sorry.
- Are you okay? - Yes.
- Okay. I'm sorry. - It's okay.
Sorry...
- No... - I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's fine. It's fine.
- Yeah? - Yes.
Sure?
Yeah.
'All of it is in your hands.'
'Before your first sexual contact, '
Ow!
- Ow! - F♪♪k! Ow!
So nice!
Sorry.
- It's okay. - I just heard something outside.
Our neighbour has a cat.
It keeps howling.
But the window is on this side.
How did you hear a sound over there?
- Is it your eye? - I'm okay.
- I'm sorry. - You're fine, right?
You're just being very...
I guess...
Should we try again?
I think I need a little more time.
Morning!
- I was just leaving. - Why, man?
It's Sunday today.
My aura reading skills are at their peak today.
So, let me read yours. Come.
Don't be awkward, dude. I'm her brother.